25-26 Years Old

May has turned into a sub-sentient replica of her fat arsed boyfriend. Between the two of them I feel as though they have almost ruined something I spent my life (a couple of months) nurturing. May's mother won't even sit down with him, he is so patronising to women. Laughs at his own jokes, a rank, cavernous chuckle that happens somewhere inside his own throat. I keep imagining that he is somehow controlling her with his bottom, which has its own gravity, which he must rest on her at night and crush oxygen from her body until she is as senseless, mawkish and bigoted as he is.

“You’re bound not to like your daughter’s lovers. It’s natural but you have to let her make her own mistakes.”

I have recorded another self help video. I may have stolen the scarecrow again. Is there a video of me setting fire to a large straw bottom? Is that the same warehouse as before? I only watch it once, but I don’t seem convincing. I really think I hate him.

All the things she used to think are dead, and now she is a vessel for all his fatuous opinions and dull notions. I ask

“How are you?”

“Oh we’re fine. We’re nesting.”

Nesting means they are putting on weight and becoming stupid. They enjoy a great deal of television programmes. They have learnt the schedules, they eat takeaways only. He enjoys watching programmes about cars. Now my daughter is obsessed with cars.

She tells me all about the kinds of car they want to buy. She tells me all about this programme she enjoys about makeovers. They makeover someone’s body, face, car and house all in one go. For the purposes of television they turn someone into someone else completely.

When they think about food and their favourite programme they both silently wriggle and vibrate their heads. They giggle and call each other ridiculous names. Once they came to stay and everything in our house was dismissed as weird. The food was compared unfavourably to their local Chinese restaurant.

“We love Chinese food”

They mean Chinese takeaway. They mean TV. They mean silence. They are talking marriage.